Crains In The City

  

ATLANTA – February 1^, 2004, was a game-changer. That day, God asked me to step down from ministry.

It was my first ministry experience, and it ended badly. Without going into details of the whole experience, on one Sunday three pastors resigned from the church. Their resignation letters were read from the pulpit in the morning service.

I was one of three pastors. I vividly remember sitting in pew beside my future wife, surrounded with students I have loved for almost three years. Tears streamed down my face. How had this happened? I had graduated from one of the best Bible colleges in the country; I had interned at a mega-church with a thriving youth ministry; I had built this small youth ministry to a group that increased fourfold.

At this tearful moment I realized that, after journeying to the depths of my soul for seven years, I needed the ministry more than the ministry needed me. I now what I was struggling with was something called co-dependency. Knowing this allows me to put language to what I struggled with so mightily:

Codependency is defined as, “to be dependent with.” Summed up simply:  People (like me)  need something from relationships to feel safe in the world.

I needed ministry to feel safe. For me, ministry had defined me. It is what I found validation and acceptance in.

The question becomes, maybe we need _________ more than that _________ needs me?

That Sunday day in February 2004, Jesus called me out of ministry by calling me to Himself.

We all do it. We all find validation and acceptance in things or possessions or people other than Jesus:  jobs, cars, clothes, relationships with spouses or “soul mates, children, or friends. What would happen if Jesus decides to strip away these things or people? Would we be able to function if Jesus were to tell us: “Leave everything and follow me”?

A counselor friend, who knows my journey and has spoken into my pain, continues to challenge me to “hold ministry loosely.” Without a continued recognition of my emptiness, I can so quickly succumb to how ministry validates and feeds me.

This is why I love the way Paul opens his letter to the Ephesians. Verse 3-10 contains three long sentences, specifying all that Christ has done for us. His words are:

That’s how Christ defines us. He alone feeds our soul. Not ministry. Not positions. Not relationships.

Nothing external can ever provide that for which our soul longs. That, alone, is Christ. How do you define yourself?